Pardon Me, But I am NOT Superwoman!
Posted: Wednesday, October 24, 2007
by Judi Lake
Judi Lake Advertising
Since I have only one child, many people “assume" many things. The church assumes that I am “aloof" because I have limited involvement; friends “assume" I am inflexible because I can’t be spontaneous, and, people “assume" that my business is a hobby because I work from home.
A lot of assumptions…
Sometimes, I wish people wouldn’t assume so much.
…what I am NOT is Superwoman!
From the moment I wake up 'til the time I “drop" in bed late at night, I am juggling. I try to balance rides to my daughter’s school, trips to my father’s doctors, violin lessons, piano lessons, play-dates, homework, my business, pharmacy visits, billing, insurance companies, nurses, laundry, grocery shopping, dinner (no, actually cooking has become my husband’s thing)....
It is n o t easy. In fact, it is very challenging to raise a young child as well as an elderly parent. Not only am I always pressed for time, I also struggle with guilt. I am torn constantly to what is needed to do. I want to be a “wife" but I need to care for dad yet I want to care for my daughter and I really just want to take a hot bath and get lost in a good book… does this make sense?
And this week, I had a friend tell me that it is “unGodly" to be tired… oh, boy… I felt like asking her if she’d like to trade lives for a day!
Oh, did I mention I have a husband? He, too, owns his own business and, like me, “tired" is his middle name. We, like many other middle age “Boomers," are known now as the “sandwich generation" — adult children caring for elderly parents while raising small children.
According to a study by the AARP roughly 44 percent of Americans between the ages of 45 and 55 have aging parents or in-laws as well as children under 21. Experts predict that number will only grow as more baby boomers enter their golden years.
This “trend" is leaving many families emotionally and financially strapped.
Neither my husband nor myself can remember the last time we went out for a nice dinner or had a vacation .
An actuality in elder care is that roles reverse and you become your parent’s parent. While loving your parent(s), there is also a definite need for discipline with occasional “time-outs."
A few weeks ago, I had planned a day out with my daughter and her friends. As I readied my father’s dinner plate, he began to have a tantrum and started accusing me of neglecting him over the children. It was a difficult situation because for the first few seconds I felt extremely guilty excluding him from our plans. Eventually, I calmed him down and took the girls out, but it was both stressful and draining.
"It’s a big challenge, especially for women who had kids later in life," said Susan Rhodes, a marriage and family therapist who facilitates the discussion groups for the “sandwich generation" at Washington Hospital.
As life expectancy increases, so does the number of middle-aged people whose parents are still alive. Combine that with the fact that people are having children later in life, so their own children are still young when their parents reach old age. In addition, the majority of caregivers are women, and today most women work, increasing the pressure on them.
"If you had kids in your late 30s or 40s, you could have toddlers and parents who are in need of care," Rhodes said. “If you’re middle-aged, you could even be having your own health issues while dealing with these family care issues."
“Let’s face it, being the caretaker of both our kids and our parents is stressful," Rhodes said. “Stress takes a toll on everything – our health, relationships, happiness, everything."
Care for elderly parents is more likely to be provided by women (75%) than men (25%) (Bianchi & Casper, 2000). Between half and two-thirds of adult women will care for elderly parents or in-laws at some time in their lives (Family Caregiver Online, n.d.). The majority of the stress for those in the sandwich generation, therefore, is likely to fall on women.
Things To Consider With Elderly Parents
As these new responsibilities for elderly parents occur, several issues might arise that must be addressed by those in the sandwich generation:
• Financial responsibilities that the elderly parents possibly cannot cover
• There may be a need to manage legal, financial, and emotional issues of elderly parents
• Siblings may or may not contribute to the care of the elderly parents
• The elderly parent’s future needs may be unclear
• There may be pain and guilt about current or potential nursing home placement
Basic Recommendations for Those in the “Sandwich Generation"
• Take care of yourself . Find time for things you enjoy.
• Take care of your marriage . If you have a spouse or partner, do not neglect that relationship
• Do what you can and learn to say “NO" and not feel guilty
• Utilize support systems in your community to aid in the care of elderly parents and/or adult children to reduce your stress
• Seek emotional support from friends, family, or other organizations
Recommended Reads :
Learn what to expect: Family Caregiving 101 Pragmatic advice on what to expect during the various stages of care giving. familycaregiving101.org
Get support: Children of Aging Parents An online support group that can refer you to local groups and offers a quarterly newsletter for caregivers. caps4caregivers.org
Bookmark useful links: Help Starts Here Best feature: an annotated list of resources for caregivers. Under Seniors and Aging, click on Caregiving. helpstartshere.org
Get organized: The Complete Eldercare Planner By Joy Loverde. This book is full of practical advice, worksheets and checklists that will help you get organized as you manage the task of taking care of your parents.
Essential response book: How to Care for Aging Parents By Virginia Morris. An encyclopedia of advice, info and resources on every aspect of caring for elders, including health care and finances. The compassionate, down-to-earth tone is just right for people smack in the middle of the sandwich.
Judi and her husband, Gary, have co-authored the book, 7001 Forgotten Secrets of the Ages , due for release in mid October. To learn more, visit: http://www.7001forgottensecretsoftheages.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)Judy, this was a wonderful article, and I hear and understand everything you say. I really think it is great that you are taking care of your elderly dad rather than stick him in a nursing home. And boy, you do have your hands full. And it is completely normal and Godly to be tired. I must admit that you must take time for yourself to read your favorite book and have a long bubble bath, b/c when you take care of you, you can come out feeling better about your duties and responsibilities in life, and it won't seem like such a chore and stressful to get everything done just the way everyone seems to think it should. Thanks for sharing this. God bless! AngieAnd so, Angie, I begin my work day today at 9:40 pm... but somehow, someway it works and you have to have a partner who "can partner with you." Thanks for your comments and maybe this weekend I'll sneak off for a ni-i-ice bath... shhhh.... (smile)
Judi, more and more of us Boomers are facing exactly what you are describing and it is exhausting, stressful and, sometimes, depressing. My children are all grown and I cannot imagine how you handle it all with a child as well as a business! I admire your courage and persistance and your husband (Gary?) has to be a good man. God bless you and thank you for sharing these tips.Hi Debbie. Yes, more "Boomers" are in this position more than we know and many, such as myself, had children later so... we are raising our children and caretaking our parents. People have criticized me "fearing harmful effects" on my daughter but I believe it has taught her compassion and respect for the older generation. My Laura is well aware that her "Pop-Pop" is a old man but she loves him with all of her heart and I believe my dad would have passed away years ago had I put him in a nursing home. God willing we will do this for as long as we can. Thanks for your comments and hope you are well!
Judi, you're not superwoman, you are a beautiful woman with a loving and honest heart. God bless your heart. My wife and I take care of her mother who is 97 and our youngest is 9. The sandwich generation is all about balancing and juggling - great job!Thank you Bernie, but I am not a beautiful woman; I just am stubborn on some issues. It sounds as though you have your hands full as well! Hey, you want to try to set up a "blind date" with your mother-in-law and my dad? We can share custody (smile) Seriously, knowing that you are in San Diego, I pray that you are safe and haven't been too badly shaken by the fire. Thanks for your comments!
this is like reading about my own life. people who are not caretakers really don't understand and, as you say, assume too much. its hard living sometimes but at the same time it would be worse to put our parents in nursing homes. thank you for letting me know i am not alone.Anon, no, you are not alone... not at all! Yes, it is "hard living" sometimes but then when I look into my dad's contented eyes it's worth everything. God gives us enough strength; we just have to learn how to use it. God bless you and don't be too hard on yourself, deal?
Judi, an excellent article with wonderful tips for anyone taking care of a parent or loved one. I try to see both sides of a situation. You are not a superwoman but it's my guess you do what you must and with such grace, calm and efficiency until it looks easy but you know better. You are centered in your Faith and the strength and fortitude comes because of it. It can't be easy but people make too many assumptions, as you've said. My siblings and I speak often of how much we miss our parents but know we were blessed to have them for the time we did. We did not have to care for them over an extended period of time and they did not have to feel they were a burden to anyone. God bless you and others like you who are honoring and caring for their Mom, Dad, both or someone else. Your reward will be great! Even Laura will be blessed by all you and Gary are doing. Be encouraged and know so many are praying for The Lake's. More importantly, our heavenly Father's right with you because of who you are.Hi Avis! I guess I don't think of this in terms of reward, although I know what you mean. Avis, years ago, everyone took care of their own; it's just the way it was! Somewhere along the way, "convenience" took over and viola! older people became "inconvenient". But guess what? We are all going to be old one day and its not fair to be put into a home and watch "wheel of fortune" at 5 o'clock or play bingo at 11am when a person has never done that in theri life. I see my dad and my daughter together and it is beautiful and it has also taught tremendous compassion and respect within my daughter. She doesn't "fear" old people; in fact she feels very comfortable with the older people. Do days get hard? Yes, they do. Do I feel resentful at times? Probably more times than I wish to admit. But it is what it is and I pray for more patience and tolerance. Sorry for babbling... thanks for your comments!
Even though I am not in your situation and will never be (both my husband's and my parents are dead and we have no children), I can still understand how you must feel. They all have it right; you must take care of yourself first, otherwise you will have nothing to give to those who need you. Mostly, I experience assumptions from others based on having no children. People always assume that I just don't like them. That's not true. I do like them. We just didn't think that we could fit them into our lives. That doesn't make me bad. You are not bad for wanting time for yourself. Be sure to take some. Don't feel guilty for the decisions you make. I am sure they are the best that you can do. You would do no less. Bless you for caring for your father and give thanks that you still have him in your life.
hi judi, you told the truth and dealt with your reality. a very good article. i confess that i did think to myself, when my parents passed away, "at least i won't have to go through this later on." kep your chin up, your faith high, and keep writing and juggling and caring. all things i know you will do. thanks for showing us a window into a day in the life.... best regards, sue thom
I guess this is something we all need to think about even if we aren't living through it right now. Good, honest articl.
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